How to Be a Pirate: Parrots
Pirate-style music plays throughout as we hear a really gruff announcer. Announcer: AAARGH! [fade up on the title] And now it’s time for “How To Be a Pirate,” out, then fade in on the Dead Skull’s Pub logo coming from Dead Skull’s Pub! We dissolve to inside the pub as we hear the “patrons” laugh heartily, along with our host, dressed in pirate attire, complete with hat and wig (and - fake- parrot on his left shoulder) and holding a mug of beer. He backs into camera view and does a double-take when he notices the camera. Black Dog Bill: Greetings, me mateys! Black Dog Bill, some call me! beat Though only when they’re drunk cuz my real name is Howard. And I’m here to teach ya How To Be a Pirate. his glass and looks off-screen Isn’t that right, lads? patrons react disinterestedly. Ahh, they love me. Today, out of shot to see his beer on the counter we’re gonna be looking at… back in and points to the parrot PARROTS. caption bottom-screen says: PARIS No, no; PARROTS. correct caption appears ''There ya go. A pirate without a parrot is like Sarah Palin not wanting media attention: '''inconceivable'. Every pirate has had a parrot at some point, and every parrot has had a pirate at some point. Except for Sinister Jack McGee, who had himself a singing naked Indian. pauses That was weird. But, needless to say, to the parrot ''a parrot is an important part ta any pirate accessories. ''off screen-left Isn’t that right, McAdams? McAdams: You smell like the Devil‘s ballsack! BDB: Aargh, ya mother rapes''' donkeys!' ''back at us One hell of a boring speaker, too. Man‘s so dull, he’s put more people to sleep than the Catholic Church. But anyway, the most important thing about to it ya parrot is ta keep him on your shoulder. to it again This little fella kept flying away all the time. I guess he doesn’t like the smell of bacon and ass. raises his left shoulder, as if the parrot is trying to fly away; so he holds it back down by grabbing its head ''There! So if, for some reason, ya have a hard time keeping your parrot there, there’s ''up two fingers two options: You can either train the parrot and get to know his psyche until ya two are up crossed fingers the best of friends… Or you can use up a roll of… ''duct tape. I use duct tape. ''tape as he points to the parrot He won’t be going anywhere. off-screen right Isn’t that right, Angela? Angela: Is that a man-eating cock on your face or just your face? BDB: Die, ya carnivorous hag! back at us The woman’s as sharp as ice cream. Incidentally, to it again this little fella’s name is One Beak Bob. its feathers I got him cheap at Parrots ‘n Other Things. The “Other Things” were whores. He didn’t cost me much, either; and he can say so many various things! Come on, Bob! Show ‘em what I taught ya! Bob: Rawk! Shiver me timbers! BDB: '''Ha-ha-ha! Isn’t that cute? Hey, Bob, ya want a cracker? '''Bob: '''Rawk! Bob want a cracker! '''BDB: Ha-'HA! '''Ain’t he wonderful? Hey. Bob, ya think we should blow the man down? '''Bob:' Rawk! Blow the man down! BDB: heartily Ya see, he says so many wonderful things! at him Bob: Rawk! Death to the blacks! BDB: speechless; looks back-and-forth at Bob and at us, then stammers I-I-I-I don’t know why he says that. It’s only once in a while; and, to be honest, I think that’s why I got him at a discount. Bob: Death to the blacks! BDB: Shut up, Bob! He can’t help it. It’s how he was raised! off screen-left Isn’t that right, Jonathan? Jonathan: You are the anus of life. BDB: You’re 'the anus of life! ''back at us Short bastard couldn’t get in a fight if he tried. Man’s so small, he could use a Cheeto as a battering ram. But seriously, if ya just overlook that one incredibly racist comment, you’ll find that he’s a very, very nice parrot. '''Bob: Rawk! Bill looks at him The skinheads were right! BDB: again Okay, that one’s new. Seriously, I’m telling you for real; there’s no cause for alarm. He’s actually a very, very kind animal. Bob: Obliterate the Jews. BDB: Now, whaddaya say, Bob, we tell them about what we did last night? Remember that fine lass that we saw over there by the bar? Bob: Rawk! Say, honey, would ya like a Jolly Roger? BDB: laughs He does remember! some more He’s always repeating things that he hears other people say. Bob: Rawk! That’s $30 a minute, bub. BDB: again Ok, ok, that’s enough, Bob. Bob: Rawk! If you want a spanking, that costs extra. BDB: frustrated Be quiet, Bob. Bob: Rawk! If you make people watch, they have to pay, too. BDB: Bob! Bob: Rawk! Oh my God, that’s the tiniest thing I’ve ever seen! BDB: Ok, you’re on thin ice, Bob. Bob: Do you seriously please women with that thing? BDB: at us I swear that never happened. Bob: Rawk! Let me guess: ya can’t get it up. BDB: the parrot by the head and tears it off his shoulder I think it’s time we said goodbye out and grabs an old pistol to One Beak Bob! Bob: points the pistol at Bob Once you stop crying, we’ll try again! pistol fires, and Bob is dead; Bill looks off screen-left BDB: Hey, cook! Bob’s body off Here’s some real meat for ya meatloaf! Ach! Ya just can’t get good parrots anymore. overhead-right Isn’t that right, Mrs. Shue? Mrs. Shue: Quiet! I‘m calling your mother at the zoo! BDB: GO TA HELL AND STAY THERE! back at us That old hag is one to talk! Her boobs hang so low, you could play tetherball with them. Aargh, they act like they hate me; off-screen to retrieve his beer but, in reality, they love me. For I know the tales of Bloodbeard Joe. Patrons: Bloodbeard Joe?!'' they say this, Bill reacts; then everyone reacts happily. During these tales, Bill looks back and froth, addressing the crowd'' BDB: Shall I tell ya about the greatest pirate who ever lived, Bloodbeard Joe? patrons react heartily, usually by shouting each time They say Bloodbeard Joe needs no gun to kill. After he‘s done shaving, he just uses the strands of his beard as throwing daggers. patrons are pleased They say that Bloodbeard Joe created Optimus Prime by making love to a pick-up truck. shout Patron: Why would he make love to a pick-up truck? BDB: to think Why wouldn’t he make love to a pick-up truck? shout again as Bill laughs; he then breathes in and does one last: Ha! They say Bloodbeard Joe created the Red Seas by passing a kidney stone. Hooray! Bloodbeard Joe could give himself a vasectomy and still be more of a man than any of you.'' Hooray!'' Ha-ha! Everyone thinks that the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg. pauses But, in reality, it was Bloodbeard Joe just ta see James Cameron get an Oscar! shout They say that Bloodbeard Joe is so strong that, when he stomps his foot, the earth splits in half. Woooow. They say that, if there was ever a fight between Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Bruce Campbell… Bloodbeard Joe would still win somehow! Hooray! ''Ha-ha! Bloodbeard Joe’s teeth are so mighty that he could make a fortune just chewing gold and spitting out pieces of eight. ''laugh They say that Bloodbeard Joe once pointed his gun at the moon and fired. pauses And that‘s why the moon has craters! shout; he laughs So I’d like everyone to raise a glass he does to Bloodbeard Joe. He may not be God. Oh, wait; yes, he is. takes a drink as the patrons shout, “Hooray!” Join me next time for “How To Be a Pirate.” at us See ya soon. another drink as the announcer speaks: Announcer: This was dissolve to the title card “How To Be a Pirate.” The greatest show that ever…'' think of something to say, so he just says:'' Yaaargh. The title fades, and the first credit screen airs. The music fades but restarts as Bill appears again: BDB: Aargh! Have you heard stories about Bloodbeard Joe? I bet ya have. Just send it appears on the bottom of the screen to this address right here, and it just might make it into the next episode. But send them quick because… I want them quick! and takes another drink Second credit screen and CA stinger. THE END Category:Content Category:Guides